An unbreakable Mirror(Through her mind)

13-May-2011

I walked away from him and it was a good bye. A good bye i never wanted to say.The only thing he did now was he proposed me.

 At last I got his proposal something that I have been wishing since the day I got that feeling. Feeling for him...,Something hard to define in one sentence ,something that can bring sleepless night ,something like a wound that is shaped  as him and embedded into my  heart. I knew that I need to heal that wound by holding him forever or simply I need to marry him. If not and I let this wound to grow instead of healing, this wound will cause unbearable  pain not only to me but also to all those who care.This will turn into an empty plate of love for my husband(someone else) and my marriage will be a unforgivable sin to my family. My father told me once "only a wounded can hurt.So forgive them". Not sure if I hurt them so they could easily forgive me.

If I could marry him, I could complete my love and live happily ever after. So either I have to stop loving him or marrying him. What if my father won't allow it. Yes this is unacceptable to my parents. He is from other religion,region and cast.ohh my gosh. I am sure that I can't even talk about this to my parents.
I knew what I am dreaming is  not realistic and a war to win. There I will see old faces standing against me without any weapon but I need to pretend as my vision  fogged with my desire so that I could throw them away from me forever and embrace what I want more  than them. The ultimate price is life with your lover but with a curse that you can't turn back to your past.

So many things came across my mind.My visions are not fogged by the impetuous affection and I can't abandon something that i called love.love towards my parents. He may be a suitable guy for me but not a son for my dad. I just saw the end of my love or desire. I saw, it as better not to start war if if i dont gain nothing.As a broken string can never sound well I foresee the fact that  my wounded heart cant love. Or the so called love will be hunted by my comeuppance and that will thwart  me from turning back to my memories.I  remember my father's word."Nothing to gain but curse from someone's tears"

I closed my eyes and I could feel the stream of tears and its taste once again. Something that I am going to lose ,something is taking away from my heart. It pierced into my heart, doubled my tears. I never want to lose this boy but also I never want to hurt my father. My thoughts and decision tossed  up to the air for a fate. Here no blame to luck , here my decision will be blamed no matter what I choose. I wish I could choose both

"Never mind I find someone like you" Adele's famous song came to my mind.. An easy way to recover.Tears!

At last I decided to let it go..let him go...let the pain go with my tears. This will wash away my pain as well. Wait. He is not my first love but my first crush. Why wouldn't I erase it. I keep it with my heart, with my untold stories as a sweet wound that gives you pain when you fondle that with your memories. I  promise that it won't affect my love. Also I cherish that I abandoned something that I care for those who cares me. May be they couldn't give me someone better than him but I don't expect a return. I believe in hope that we all look as a mere light at the end of a tunnel.

01-Jun-2011

(father's diary)
Today I read my daughter's diary she wrote little back. Now I could understand why she was so sad those days. I wasn't that surprised when I understood she dumped a Boy for me. She is my precious gift from god. Now I filled with pride ....

Present day

Today when I stand at my father's graveyard with wet eyes, as we all do, I turned back to our heavenly days. He was everything for me. Since the day He took me first time I knew rhythm  of his heart beat. He always kept me closed to his heart and with his warm hand he covered me.his  Love was a blanket of comfort and in that comfort I never needed that magic word"hope". I never wished better future since I knew what I was having was heavenly. Nothing could ever separate us even this death. One day this death will unite us again and  bring back those heavenly days.

I closed my eyes and I could feel the stream of tears and its taste once again. What for I teared last time , right now standing beside me,holding my hands with his shivering hand.he was a gift from my father but more than a gift, for me,one more reason to love my father. My father read my diaries and understood I left my love for my him. My father reached out to him and enquired all about him. My father understood that my selection was perfect. He gave him and told me ;"one day you will hold him and stand near me. That day would be special but you have to understand that since then i won't be with you but him. Since that day, my prayers will be with you". I thought he was talking about my wedding but now holding my soulmate's hand , standing near to my father's graveyard and feeling the breeze as his love and prayers,I understand I have started my journey!....